7 Things We Hope Sterling’s Investigators Find Out About the NBA

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So, now things are getting interesting. In a story that sounds like the plot for a new reality TV show, Clippers owner Donald Sterling has hired four separate private investigation firms to investigate the twenty-nine other NBA owners and will audition their findings against each other to see which one he keeps on the case. Because Sterling has shown himself to be nothing if not spiteful, and because he’s utterly convinced that he’s being pushed out of the NBA unfairly, he has handed the firms “a six-figure budget over the next 30 days to examine the league’s finances, allegations of previous discriminatory conduct, and compensation to past commissioner David Stern and current commissioner Adam Silver,” according to ESPN by way of the Associated Press.

Sterling, of course, is not actually having his First Amendment rights violated or his private property seized or anything else that he and his supporters (because, yes, he has supports) — he’s being forced out of the league as a business partner, and he’s not being censored by the Federal Government.  Businesses force other partners out for a whole host of reasons all the time in the U.S. On the other hand, his dedication to salting the earth behind him is admirable, if only because of the wealth of information that might come to the surface as a result of this directive.

And since donning a tinfoil hat is always fun when it comes to the NBA, we’ve decided upon a list of NBA urban legends, questions, concerns, and other professional basketball campfire stories that we’d really like to know the answer to, one way or another. Some of them are serious. Some of them involve fonts. Here are the seven things we hope Sterling’s private investigators discover.