10 Movies Coming in 2017 That Will Probably Suck
As much as we would love to enter 2017 with the brightest expectations for the films to come, the fact remains that the coming year will probably bring as many terrible films as great ones. After all, 2016 left quite a few cinematic embarrassments behind it.
As much as mainstream Hollywood blockbusters are shedding light on the growing disparity between critical response and box office gross, there are a number of releases that come along each year that nearly everyone can agree didn’t need to happen at all. Those are the films we’re focusing on with this list, the ones that no one asked for and may signal bad things to come for cinema in general. Of course, there’s not a whole lot to look forward to this time. So let’s simply get this one over with and hope that the below films don’t stink up the theaters too much.
10. Friday the 13th (October 13)
Horror reboots are typically pretty terrible, but we’re impressed that it has actually taken this long for this franchise to be revisited yet again. The 2009 reboot was a decent box office hit, but Jason Voorhees has remained in limbo ever since. We’d love this one to be great, but we don’t have much faith in its prospects.
9. CHiPs (March 24)
Just as remakes/reboots of classic films are usually easily skippable, the same applies to big-screen adaptations of popular TV series. The upcoming Baywatch film may just manage to turn nostalgia into updated fun, but we’re less optimistic about this Michael Peña/Dax Shepard film based on the 1970s show.
8. Monster Trucks (January 13)
Family films involving aliens and/or monsters often lean too heavily on the novelty of an unlikely friendship between the central creature and the lead character. This one — which follows a truck run by the monster living within it — could wind up being a pleasant early-year diversion, but we doubt it will work.
7. Smurfs: The Lost Village (April 7)
After two live-action/CGI hybrid films, Sony Pictures finally opted to bring the Smurfs firmly back into the world of animation. Though the voice cast is different from its predecessors, the film at least marks a course-correction for the franchise. Perhaps this one can improve upon the limitations of the earlier films.
6. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (January 27)
Speaking of franchises running out of steam, this sixth installment of the long-running film series based on the video game hopes to lure audiences to the theaters once again for the continuing story of Alice (Milla Jovovich). “Final chapter,” you say? We’ll believe that when we see it.
5. Annabelle 2 (August 11)
The Conjuring franchise has already given way to a spinoff (with another one in the works), but this sequel works to keep all corners of the shared universe going strong. Stephanie Sigman, Miranda Otto, and Anthony LaPaglia star, but without Ed and Lorraine Warren in tow, we worry this might be an ill-conceived effort.
4. Animal Crackers (April 21)
Despite a cast that includes Emily Blunt, Ian McKellen, and Sylvester Stallone, this animated comedy — which hinges on a box of animal crackers that magically changes the person who eats them into that animal — feels like a terrible idea that was somehow given a studio green light. Maybe it will be one of the year’s biggest surprises, but it certainly feels like a forgettable one to us.
3. Transformers: The Last Knight (June 23)
Okay, this Michael Bay-directed series has its fans (it must, right?). Yet, just because it earns mountains of cash at the box office, doesn’t mean that the franchise has any artistic merit to speak of. The first one may have been dumb fun, but these films somehow seem to be getting worse. Enjoy it if you will, but we’ll pass.
2. Fifty Shades Darker (February 10)
Likewise, this series based on the E.L. James books has its devoted following but offers little for anyone else to enjoy. An erotic romantic drama without the eroticism or the romance, the first film was left with schlocky melodrama and two incredibly wooden lead performances. No thanks.
1. The Emoji Movie (August 4)
What could top Fifty Shades Darker and Transformers on our list, you may wonder? A special kind of terrible, we reply. A film in which emojis are sentient beings (think on that for a moment), this feels like a new low even for Hollywood. The poop emoji may be a character here, but we’re thinking it’s representative of the film itself. Shame on you, Hollywood.
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