It may seem like Gisele Bündchen has it all. She’s one of the most successful models on the planet, is married to one of the most successful quarterbacks in the NFL and together they have two healthy children. But in a new book the Brazilian beauty opened up about some of her past struggles including the hardest times in her relationship with Tom Brady and when she felt she hit rock bottom and wanted to end her life.

Here are the biggest bombshells Bündchen revealed in her memoir titled Lessons: My Path to a Meaningful Life.

Bündchen was constantly teased by others growing up

Hard to believe now but the supermodel was actually teased and ridiculed about her appearance when she was a child.

Bündchen was raised in the small town of Horizontina in Southern Brazil and growing up was much taller than all the other kids in her school. Because of her height boys never asked her to slow dance at parties and joined in with the girls making fun of her frame. They called her “Olly,” in reference to the character Olive Oyl from the Popeye cartoons.

“I remember once walking into my classroom and seeing a poster that featured a drawing of a skeleton and underneath it someone had written, ‘Has anybody seen Olly?’” Bündchen wrote in her memoir, adding, “I felt humiliated.”

She suffered from panic attacks and contemplated suicide

In 2003, Bündchen began suffering from panic attacks after a flight to Costa Rica. She developed serious anxiety and could not go into tunnels, elevators or any other small enclosed areas. She also was leading a very unhealthy lifestyle then by smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, drinking caffeine to stay awake, and wine to help her sleep. She even contemplated suicide and detailed her thoughts on wanting to take her own life by jumping from her balcony.

“Everything had become a cage, and I was the animal trapped inside, panting for air,” Bündchen recalled. “I couldn’t see a way out, and I couldn’t stand another day of feeling this way. The idea swept over me then: Maybe it will be easier if I just jump. It will be all over. There’s a solution. I can get out of this.”

She was later prescribed Xanax but decided to completely turn her life around by meditating, doing yoga, eating healthy, and kicking her smoking and drinking habits.

The model immediately regretted getting breast implants

During her career, the former Victoria’s Secret Angel was dubbed the “Boobs from Brazil” and “The Body” but after breastfeeding her children she noticed that her breasts had become uneven so she decided to get implants.

“I felt very vulnerable because I can work out, I can eat healthy, but I can’t change the fact that both of my kids enjoyed the left boob more than the right. All I wanted was for them to be even and for people to stop commenting on it,” she admitted.

After she came out of surgery though she regretted the decision to go under the knife. “When I woke up, I was like, ‘What have I done?’ I felt like I was living in a body I didn’t recognize,” she said. “For the first year I wore [baggy] clothes because I felt uncomfortable.”

She was crushed when she found out Brady’s ex was pregnant

In 2006, she began dating Brady but a few months later she learned that his ex-girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan, was pregnant with the quarterback’s child.

“Two months into our relationship, Tom told me his ex-girlfriend was pregnant,” Bündchen wrote. “The very next day the news was everywhere, and I felt my world had been turned upside down.”

She questioned then if she should stay in the relationship or walk away. The model ultimately chose to stay with Brady and Moynahan gave birth to a boy, John Edward Thomas, in 2007.

Today, Bündchen calls her husband’s oldest son her “bonus child.”

Bündchen thought she was an awful mother

When it came to parenting her own two children, the fashion model actually thought she was a terrible mother.

She explained that her feelings stemmed from the guilt of having to go away on modeling jobs when they were babies. “I had all this horrible, self-imposed guilt. I thought what a terrible mother I was for leaving my child even for like a day,” she said.

Bündchen also revealed that while adjusting to motherhood she and Brady has some disagreements because she was “overwhelmed” and wasn’t always the “nicest partner.” However, she learned from those experiences and now their bond and love for one another is stronger than ever.

“When someone you love is happy, it makes you happy, or if they’re sad it makes you sad. You suffer with them and you have joy with them,” Bundchen said.

Read more: How Did Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen Meet?

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