If you’re truly living your life, a bucket list is an essential way to keep track of all of the accomplishments you hope to achieve in your lifetime. Many people have sincere bucket lists, populated with things they want to do and see in the real world and places they want to travel before they die. But we can discuss those another time. Today, we’re more concerned about your internet bucket list. There’s a practically endless array of fun things to achieve online. And if you don’t get started today, you may never find the time to accomplish them all.
So the next time you find yourself in front of your computer or smartphone, don’t resort to wasting your time by scrolling through Facebook or flipping through slideshows of celebrity mishaps. Instead, achieve something worth celebrating by tackling one of the items on our official and insincere internet bucket list.
1. Learn a new language and culture
Immerse yourself in the customs, language, and emoji usage of an unfamiliar internet community. Learn to appreciate your chosen forum or platform as a unique civilization. Attain the achievements needed to enter the upper echelons of its society. Seek out and gain membership in its secret societies. And make a plot to overthrow its leadership. (Note that following through on that plot is strictly optional.)
2. Be the first to share the (fake) news
Share a news story online before verifying that it came from a reputable source. Bonus points if you didn’t even read it before sharing it to Facebook, and appending a lengthy tirade on your personal opinion concerning the topic that, correctly or incorrectly, you’ve inferred as its subject. We’re all gullible, and we’ve all fallen for a Facebook hoax or two. Might as well embrace it.
3. Put your narcissism on display
Share 100 selfies with as many hashtags as possible. Bonus points are awarded for having the self-confidence to post each one to Facebook or Instagram, even if your nose looks larger than it really is, or if your hair was not having a particularly photogenic day. Suggestive photos are fine if you’re a man, but less socially acceptable if you’re a woman, because what could be better than playing along with regressive double standards? #nofilter #wokeuplikethis
4. Hope against hope
Enter to win something online. It doesn’t matter whether you have to repost a photo, upload your own photo, write a comment proclaiming your desire to win, like a post, or follow the designated account(s). It’s also irrelevant whether you actually win — and let’s be real, odds are that you won’t — because if there’s one thing that the internet teaches us, it’s that you’re already a winner.
5. Write the best review for the worst product
Write an Amazon review that goes viral. Anybody can order a cheap, random, or strange item from Amazon. But it takes a true comedic master to write an Amazon review so good, so hilarious, so timely and self-aware that it goes viral. It may help to choose an Amazon listing with a history of “amazing user reviews.” But then again, you may be setting yourself up for failure in the presence of such greatness.
6. Learn about yourself
Take 50 online quizzes. Without leaving the confines of your browser or your favorite social network, you can subject yourself to a battery of quizzes to gain valuable insight into your personality. You can find out what your food choices say about your career path, whether you’re a true ’90s kid, how awkward you are, how much you overestimate your attractiveness, the kind of pizza you would be, or the TV character you can count as your “spirit animal.” Self-awareness is just 50 quizzes away. There’s no excuse for continuing on uninformed.
7. Do it for the story
Consider trying an app or joining a dating site simply for the story. There’s no sense in trying an app like Tinder sincerely just to see where it gets you. Instead, you should download and configure the app with the intention of emerging with the requisite source material for a “worst Tinder dates” story that will far surpass the simultaneous hilarity and misery of all other “worst Tinder dates” stories. Bonus points for emerging with all body parts and material possessions intact.
8. Lie about yourself
Tell an inscrutable lie on a social media or online dating profile. Everyone else lies about such mundane topics as their height, weight, or the value of their job (social or financial). Look beyond the ambitions of the masses by telling a lie so enormous that nobody can quite understand what you’re claiming — perhaps one that sounds like an existential statement instead of a simple lie. The “About Me” section of your Facebook profile is a particularly good place for a statement so nonsensical it sounds almost profound.
9. Get your priorities straight
Ruin (or almost ruin) at least one relationship via your Facebook activity. Facebook is the social network of choice for sabotaging your real-life relationships. You aren’t a true citizen of the internet until you’ve Facebooked your way to a breakup. For a more masterful variation on the move, ensure that your Facebook activity guarantees the kind of frank conversation that you hoped to never have with your partner but doesn’t result in the dissolution of the relationship.
10. Tell ’em what you really think
Write a scathing Yelp review. There is nothing the internet loves more than being offended. Frequent enough local establishments in the “real world” and you’ll eventually find something to be offended by. That’s the perfect fodder for a scathing Yelp review! Ruminate on the offense, real or imagined, just long enough that the incident is still fresh in your mind, but you are still able to connect it in some way to “everything that’s wrong with society,” another favorite topic on the internet.
11. Make the front page
Land on the front page of Reddit. There’s no definitive guide to get you there. But landing on the front page of Reddit will make it much easier for your hilarious YouTube video, your adorable cat photo, or your most insightful meme to go viral. The goal is to create something funny and timely — and rise to a brief 15 minutes of internet fame in the process.
12. Ask me anything
Hold a successful AMA on Reddit. A Reddit AMA, short for “Ask Me Anything,” is a coveted vehicle for connecting with your fans (or people who would be your fans if they just knew who you are). Technically speaking, anybody can hold an AMA. But it takes either a celebrity or an “interesting weirdo” to capture Redditors’ imagination and generate a sufficient amount of interest for a truly popular AMA.
13. Ask strangers for money
Run a successful crowdfunding campaign. You’ll need to carefully decide between Kickstarter and Indiegogo. And ideally, you should aim not for a breakthrough in technology or design, or even for a documentary or a game-changing philanthropic clause. Instead, the ultimate pinnacle of achievement is a virally successful campaign for what the less enlightened would call a pointless project, e.g., potato salad. Need we say more?
14. Aim for a book deal
Write a blog with the intention of turning it into your livelihood, or at least a book deal. Who cares that many of the bloggers who have come before you have tried and failed? You have a unique perspective on fashion or photography or design or fitness or arts and crafts or whatever your chosen topic. Special recognition goes to those who persist in updating their blog even after realizing that significant ad revenue or a publishing deal are unlikely to materialize.
15. Make it to the end
Make it to the end of Candy Crush without committing suicide. Candy Crush is just a particularly impressive specimen of the breed of games that capitalizes on “well known weaknesses in the human brain.” The game’s objective is to keep you playing forever. So the obvious way to win is to make it to the end of the game. By reaching the end of the game (is there an end to the game and has anyone ever ventured far enough to know?) you’ll be able to break the game’s magnetic pull and give people stuck in the low hundreds reason to hope.