Much ado about… break ups. If you’re anything like, oh, 99% of the male population, you’ve broken a gal’s heart once or twice in your day. But like building a perfect Chipotle burrito, there’s just a right way and wrong way to, well, get ‘er done. Shallon Lester, dating expert and author of Exes and Ohs: A Downtown Girl’s (Mostly Awkward) Tales of Love, Lust, Revenge, and a Little Facebook Stalking, shares her secrets on how to survive #thebreakup with confidence and class.
1. Speak plainly, fellas
“Avoid using qualifier words like ‘for now’ or ‘maybe someday’ when you break up–that will only muddle your message. She’ll want to find a loophole and hear what she wants to hear, so don’t give her a foothold for that. Saying weird shit like ‘I need space’ translates to ‘I’m going to text less for the next week’ not ‘It’s over.’ So be clear, even if it seems harsh–you don’t want to have to re-dump her. Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind,” says Lester.
2. You’re the bad guy, accept it
“Nothing is worse for us ladies than a guy who cuts it off then wants to ‘be friends.’ That’s like getting fired and having your boss ask you to still come hang out at your cubicle. You fired her as your girlfriend, so stop trying to assuage your own ego because it’s only twisting the knife for her. Let her grieve, let her hate you–that’s the cost of your freedom,” explains Lester.
3. Don’t try to still hook up
We know it’s tempting, but just trust Lester on this one: “You leave her, you leave the sex–its just that simple. Again, it’s like your ex boss sending you an assignment: is he hiring you back or…? Some girls are born crazy but most are made crazy by guys (hear me out) when we’re given mixed signals. If you don’t want to date her, don’t bone her. It’ll give her false hope and really, seriously, a quick lay isn’t worth the drama that will one hundred million percent follow.”
4. Stay off tinder for a few weeks
“I know, I know–you’re ready to run, but guarantee that one of her friends will see you on there and report on your callous dickishness. If you don’t care about being the bad guy, which you already are, fine, cool, swipe away. But a serious relationship deserves a modicum of respect. Pretend you actually have social skills and just hit the bars like a MAN,” offers Lester.
5. Learn from your mistakes
“Did you kind of know from the beginning that she wanted kids ASAP or wouldn’t ever leave Ohio or definitely maybe had Borderline Personality Disorder? Mmmm yes, you did. We all see and choose to ignore a slew of red flags before we wise up. You can’t get the time back but you can march forward older and wiser and hopefully not with any pending restraining orders,” Lester comments.
So, c’mon folks, what are you waiting for? Now that you’ve got the tools to get through it, it’s time to pull off the band aid and never miss another Friday night out with the guys again.