Compatibility is something every online dating site talks about. Sites, such as e-Harmony, require users to answer a 258-question personality test, and then help them pick potential partners based on the results. This particular algorithm is supposed to match people on 29 “core traits,” like social style or emotional temperament, and “vital attributes,” like relationship skills. But what about sex compatibility? That has nothing to do with your interests and whether you enjoy long walks on the beach.
This leads us to the fact that there are some things a computer cannot compute: sexual chemistry. Only you can spot sexual chemistry and compatibility between you and your partner. It comes with experience and knowing yourself more than a questionnaire and a set of algorithms.
Former Match.com psychologist Mark Thompson, whose work included writing compatibility formulas, took what he learned and wrote an analog guide to finding your sexual counterpart in Who Should You Have Sex With? How to Find (or Reignite) Great Sexual Chemistry. He says: “Sexual compatibility is a keystone to a relationship’s long-term success, and it requires three things: a similar emotional approach (positive, friendly, and fun, or dark and mysterious); a similar activity level (fast and active, or slow and mellow); and a complementary power dynamic (strong, confident, and powerful, or gentle and submissive). These qualities often line up with what you want interpersonally, too.”
How can you know if there’s sexual chemistry before you have sex? Here are some hints:
“People’s public personas often correspond to their sexual personas. Mr. Adventure in public tends to be Mr. Dominant in bed. He should probably stay away from Ms. Passion because they both like to be in control. Mr. Shy in public is likely to be Mr. Romance in bed. He should steer clear of Ms. Sinner because she likes darker sex than he does,” says Thompson.
Relationships are difficult and finding someone who is sexually compatible with you is a challenge. Here is how to determine if you are sexually compatible with someone.
1. There is an immediate spark
I am one to believe that the spark is real, despite the doubters and the cynics. The spark is that feeling of “I need to have you right now or else my entire body is going to explode.” Although it takes time to become acquainted with each other’s bodies, you both should start from a place where the sex is “good enough” and as time goes on, it becomes exponentially better as you become more familiar with each other.
2. You’ve explored your own sexuality already
You know what you like already. Sexual experience is a good thing. You’ll both know what you want and will be able to communicate that.
3. Your relationship with sex is similar
Do you both love to engage in sexual fantasies and are you accepting and open of the other’s? You’ll both want to be on the same page in reference to how you rate sex on the scale of relationship importance. Part of sexual exploration is getting a sense of the role you want sex to play in your life. Depending upon sex’s level of importance to you, you want to look for someone who is as open as you in believing that sex is a crucial part of a relationship. Some people use sex as a way to feel connected, and as a way of expressing love and intimacy, while others view it as a release. Finding someone on par with your sexual desires, needs, and outlook is crucial for compatibility.
4. You’re both great at communicating
Telling your partner what you want and what you don’t want and telling them what makes you happy and what doesn’t make you happy is crucial. You both get that you need to communicate in order for your partner to know what you want in bed and how to tweak things so that they like it. If the two of you cannot talk about sex openly and honestly, that is not a good sign of sexual compatibility.
5. For the long run, it’s the effort that counts
You’re both willing to put in the effort because amazing sex takes work, an open mind, and a willingness to switch things up. Effort is definitely something that keeps you attracted to your partner over the years, and one that makes you want to continue to have crazy, amazing sex.
More from Health & Fitness Cheat Sheet:
- Why Compatibility is Key to Having a Successful Relationship
- 5 Signs You Need to Get a Divorce
- 5 Signs You’re Dating the Wrong Person