Dads come in all shapes, sizes, and temperaments. It doesn’t matter if you are an introvert or extrovert. It doesn’t matter if you had a bad upbringing or a good one. If you’re there and you care, you’re going to be an awesome dad. Some dads will be more adventurous and silly, others will be more goal-oriented and serious. But it doesn’t matter which type you are — you will have a profound impact on the new life you bring into the world. Read on to discover the different dad-types and which one you’ll be.
Dads-at-a-distance (DAADs) are mysterious types who strike awe in their children. A DAAD doesn’t get to spend a ton of time with his kiddos, so his children cherish his every word and gesture. If you have a high-profile worklife or are in academia, you may be a DAAD. However, just because DAADs aren’t with their kids 24-7 doesn’t mean they don’t have an important role in their children’s lives. They can prioritize their family time and achieve a special status in the lives of their children as they grow up.
2. “Hey Gipper” dad
“Hey Gipper” dads are the goofiest guys you’ll meet — maybe not on purpose. They make their kids feel special with even the smallest gestures, and their enthusiasm inspires confidence that lasts long after the kids leave the nest. If you’re eager, earnest, are excited to be around others, and regularly slap people’s backs, you might be a “Hey Gipper” dad.
3. Mad scientist dad
Mad scientist dads (mad dads for short) engage their children in fascinating experiments and challenges. Mad dads provoke curiosity through experiences and inspire persistence through failure — they always have a trick up their sleeve. Mad dads often say, “Don’t tell mom about this,” and can be heard snickering in their home offices when they’re not stretching the imaginations of their children. If you have frazzled hair, watched Pinky and the Brain as a kid, and tend to get into a little trouble from time to time, there is a good chance that you could be a mad scientist dad.
4. Daaaad dad (not to be confused with dad-at-a-distance)
Daaaad dads love their kids to the depths of eternity and have no hesitation in showing it. This is often embarrassing for their children, who often exclaim, “Daaaad…” after particularly outlandish displays of affection. Daaaad dads are the ones who kiss their sons on the lips past their children’s 50th birthdays. Their favorite expression is “I love this kid so much I’m gonna lose it.” They just can’t help their love. If you are a kinesthetic man and love animals, or if you are an enthusiastic uncle, you might just be a daaaad.
5. Aftershave dad
Aftershave dads always smell like aftershave — end of story. Their children smell aftershave so strongly that their nosehairs burn even if only remembering him. If you are in the military or your beard comes in patchy, you’re definitely an aftershave dad. If you have a 5 o’clock shadow after breakfast, you’re an aftershave dad. One of the great benefits of this type of father is the whisker burns they get to inflict on unwitting hatchlings — this faux cruelty embeds a zany, playful sense of humor in children who love their aftershave dads.
6. Bowling ball dad
Bowling ball dads are not good gift-givers, let’s just make that clear. Every gift has a clear implication of at least partial ownership for the dad. This may not seem like a desirable trait, but there is more to the bowling ball dad than meets the eye. His crappy and overly earnest gift-giving is actually a sign of his sacrificial love.
Bowling ball dads work so hard and provide so much that they feel bad spending money on themselves. The bowling ball gifts he gives are endearing to his loved ones, and reminds them of how hard he works for others. If you work 60 hours a week and plan on having more than five kids, you’re going to be an amazing bowling ball dad.
7. Granola dad
Granola dads are often seen barefoot. They are so immersed in nature that granola is often the most practical food selection. Granola dads have children with dreadlocks, and their sons wear skirts in a particularly badass manner. Their children will probably see their granola dad naked on too many occasions.
Granola children’s friends think granola parents are strange because they eat hemp at every meal and raise chickens in the backyard. But all granola children love their fathers for the same reason: They are always connected with the earth, they know their heritage, and they use the word “energy” a lot. If you have a top 10 list of favorite granolas or have woken up with a baby bird in your beard, you’re likely a granola dad.