One Thing That Can Improve Your Sex Life
Being in a great relationship for a long period of time can enrich your life, but when it comes to your sex life, it can also be a double-edged sword: You each have your moves down pat and know exactly what the other likes. Unfortunately, because you both know each other so well, it can eventually become mundane and boring. And as we all know, routine sex is boring sex, and that is exactly how couples fall into a rut, Kristen Mark, Ph.D., a sex researcher at the University of Kentucky, said to Men’s Health. If you’ve fallen into a rut, fear not. Getting out of your rut can be easily fixed by one thing: talking dirty.
Your brain is the most important sex organ in your body because it’s where your sex drive stems from. Entice and excite your brain by communicating with each other about sexual fantasies you each have, and also what you want to do to each other, which then translates to the physical. Many couples never talk about what they really want in bed, which is a precursor to falling into a sexual rut with your partner. Daryl Cioffi, who specializes in couples, relationships, sex, neuropsychology, and is the owner of Polaris Counseling & Consulting in Patucket, R.I., says that dirty talk is a whole mind and body experience.
“People very much enjoy dirty talking because it activates all regions of your brain while your body is also getting stimulated,” Cioffi told Medical Daily. “Similar areas of the brain are touched upon during dirty talk as when we curse. So, very often as your brain sees it, the dirtier the better.” And because your brain is an erogenous zone, verbalizing the sexual roles you want, as well as hearing what your partner wants, is essential in sexual arousal. According to Dr. Ava Cadell, professional speaker, writer, an sex therapist in Los Angeles, couples should engage in dirty talk to “heighten their arousal and share fantasies that they may not want to turn into reality, but talking about them can be even better.”
If you’re unsure how to approach dirty talk or it feels awkward to you, here are some basic rules from AskMen, who enlisted sex therapist Jacqueline Hellyer, and expert on sexual communication and practices in Australia, to follow when you broach the subject of dirty talk and sexual fantasies with your partner.
- Feel around and try not to fake it too much: Much of dirty talk might be trial and error for you especially if you’ve never done it before. Although you may know your partner inside and out, you’re tapping into the far reaches of his or her sexual fantasies, so tread cautiously and don’t be over the top. Just be honest and start small. “Female sexuality is amazing, women can just go to the most extraordinary places but it’s also quite sensitive and you can easily be drawn out of it. If he starts using language that’s not working for her, she’ll come out of The Zone,” says Hellyer. By “The Zone,” she means the state of arousal.
- Say what you’re feeling in the moment. Base what you’re saying to your partner in the moment and he or she responds to it. The plus side to all of this is that you’re in a committed relationship so you’re given more leeway with how to approach dirty talk, meaning she’s not going to get out of bed and walk out on you. “Get her to warm up to the prospect of you talking during sex by simply dictating what is happening and look for her moans and sighs to indicate whether she’s into it or not. Then once you know you’ve got her, then you can introduce some of the more exciting things to say,” adds Hellyer.
Despite all this, if you’re still a little uneasy with how to approach the whole dirty talk thing or the subject of how you want to try new things in bed, approach your partner and tell him or her about a dream you had the previous night and incorporate one of your fantasies into it. For example, tell your partner you had a dream about the two of you doing something together plus (insert fantasy here) that you’ve always thought about doing. This will also help you to innocently gauge how your partner would react or feel about doing that specific act. Your next move is to question if your partner would ever want to try it. If unsuccessful, no muss no fuss, but if your significant other reacts positively, then you hit the jackpot.
“Even when you’ve been with someone for years, talking about sex can be scary because you’re exposing a really vulnerable part of yourself,” Mark says. “Especially if you’re introducing something new that you want to try.” Tread with caution but even the most unsuspecting of women can have the dirtiest of minds, which therein holds the key for you both to spice it up and enjoy.