Do you find yourself failing in the relationship department time and time again? Perhaps your own actions are causing you to strike out. If you’re looking for an answer as to why things keep going sour, it’s time you take a long, hard look in the mirror. There’s a good chance you’re self-sabotaging your relationships, and you probably don’t even know it. Here are six signs you’re doing yourself a huge disservice.
1. You pull back when things get serious
For some, having to deal with negative emotions that come along with love doesn’t seem worth it. You may be more inclined to pull away for fear of being hurt. As Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., explains in Psychology Today, most people incorrectly assume love will be easy once they’ve found the right person. In truth, the closer you become to a person, the more hurt you’ll feel during times of discontent.
If you pull back when things start getting serious, you may be trying to avoid pain altogether. And as Firestone points out, relationship pain doesn’t just come from being disappointed by your partner, either. It can arise when the relationship is at its best. Getting close with someone can unleash underlying emotions that have been buried for years, and your relationship will not prosper until you deal with the emotional scars from your past.
2. You’re too controlling
For a relationship to be successful, each partner needs their space. If you’re not willing to allow your partner to have a sense of control over his or her own life, there’s no way a healthy relationship will come to fruition. If your actions include any of these behaviors mentioned by Bustle, such as being the sole decision maker or dictating your partner’s future, you’re on the road to relationship hell.
3. Your relationships are all drama and no progress
If you’re a drama king or queen, your relationship likely won’t pass the early stages of romance. “Being overly dramatic, creating unnecessarily conflict, or trying to get a reaction out of your boyfriend or girlfriend are sure signs of self-sabotage,” Renee Slansky writes for The Huffington Post. This kind of behavior can be an attempt to cover up your fear of being hurt, personal insecurities, or deeper problems you’ve not yet dealt with. In any of these cases, taking some time to work on your own issues is way more important than being in a relationship.
4. You’re needy
Call it needy, call it clingy. Whatever you call it, being overly dependent on another person is never a good look. According to Babble, your relationship is heading nowhere fast is you’re too needy. If you call all the time, cry all the time, or your general self-pity has propelled you into the center of your relationship’s attention, you’re pushing your partner away. If you’re actually looking to change your self-sabotaging ways, ditch this pattern of negative behavior to ensure you’re the most confident, independent version of yourself.
5. You never react
We’ve all seen the girl who’s too cool to get upset with her partner or the guy who doesn’t mind endless girls’ nights filled with senseless gossip. While these reactions, or lack thereof, may at first appear as having hit the perfect partner jackpot, they’re typically just a facade. Elite Daily says you might project this kind of too-cool-for-school demeanor because you think it will keep you in control. But acting like you don’t care will only make your partner think you don’t care, so why would they stay? Don’t keep your partner at an arm’s distance just because you’re afraid to express your true feelings. If they do something to make you upset, be honest and have a real conversation about it.
6. You don’t allow your partner to speak openly
If your partner isn’t truly able to be him or herself in a relationship, it will never work. As Dave Elliot writes for YourTango, it’s imperative you allow your partner a safe space to speak openly and just be. In doing so, you’ll show your partner you accept and appreciate them. Despite disagreements, each of you deserves to be heard.
Relationships will never be smooth sailing 100% of the time. If you’re able to recognize your own behaviors and habits with past and potential partners, though, you’ll be doing yourself a huge favor. You’re the only one who can change your own self-sabotaging ways.