If you’re looking to have a more satisfying sexual experience, you’ve come to the right place. The Cheat Sheet spoke with six leading sex experts and asked them to give us their best sex advice. They also gave us some insider information on how you can transform your sex life so that every encounter will leave you and your partner craving more.
Sex school is now in session. Read on and learn how to turn your bedroom into a playroom.
My No. 1 sex tip: There’s no rush. Sex isn’t just about achieving orgasm, it’s about the journey to get there. Slow down — way down — and savor it.
The best sex advice I ever received: Our biggest and most important sex organ is our brain. This is especially true the more mature we get.
How it changed the way I approach sex: Men in particular fetishize about size be it the size of their penis or the size of her breasts. The truth of the matter is that the only size that matters is the expansiveness of your openness about sex. Think big about what sexual activities you can enjoy.
My advice if you’re struggling to improve your sex life: Let go of the restrictive voice that plays in your head. Your mother, critical religions, and punitive social discourse have no place in your sex life. Be guided by your own values and above all else do no harm to others. Sex is about maximizing pleasure and celebrating life.
Explore each other’s body
My advice to men: When men can give women sexual pleasure, they feel great about themselves, and the women feel great about the relationship and the guy. This alone should be reason to spend some time getting to know a woman’s body. While they all have the same parts, the way women respond sexually is different, so don’t assume that what works with one person works with another. Slow down for the best results, banish the quickie for the time being, and get to know her body like you would a good book or a good meal.
Women are coming to bed feeling overweight, for the most part. If you can make her feel like she looks great, you’re going to give her self-confidence, and self-confidence is crucial to good sex. If you’re interested in the long-run with her, create a sexual space where things happen in time, not all at once in a grand whirlwind that can overwhelm and scare her off. If you want great sex with her, don’t forget to send her flowers, treat her to dinner, and make her feel like she’s valued beyond what happens between the sheets. You’ll get better responses in bed if you take care of her out of it.
My advice if you’re struggling to improve your sex life: I think it’s important to figure out what you want and what you feel is missing. Often, it doesn’t have to do with sex. It may be a feeling of closeness with a partner — who’s just in it for the sex, not the true intimacy. Or it may be a physiological issue where the feelings of sexuality aren’t satisfying. It could also be someone wanting sex, and not having any, because there are relationship issues going on. In that case, rather than focus on sex, it’s important to focus on the relationship issues that are challenges to a good sex life.
April Masini, relationship expert and founder of relationship advice site Ask April
Have as much sex as you want
The best sex advice I ever received: A lecturer friend of mine was once asked, “My husband wants to have sex every day. Isn’t that too much?” Her answer was, “What’s going to wear out?”
How it changed the way I approach sex: It reminded me that sex requires a sense of humor.
My advice if you’re struggling to improve your sex life: There is no such thing as too much sex or even too little. There is no Great Scorecard in the Sky upon which the tally is kept. In America, we tend to overdramatize and overemphasize the importance of our sexuality because we have been taught to be ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, and generally uncomfortable about it. It’s hard to be relaxed about something so taboo that we can’t talk about it in public, yet so tantalizing we even sell cars, politicians, and shampoo with it. It is often as though we’re being teased by the neighborhood bully: [it’s like the bully is saying to us], ‘This is wonderful and you should want it, but you can’t have it.’ No wonder our sexual behavior and attitudes are fraught with unnecessary drama.
When I hear hyper-charged people bragging about size, or beautiful bodies, or the duration and ‘score’ of the experience, I wonder: Where is the pleasure, the joy? What happened to the love? Why is it not OK to mention the tenderness, the pleasure of being held and touched? Our bodies are no less than miracles. We come fully equipped, no batteries needed, to share our joy and our human being: mentally, emotionally, and physically. The only restrictions we have are inherent in the equipment: keep it healthy, don’t abuse it, play nice, and respect each other’s toys. I have spent years learning to cooperate with my sexual self. And do you know what? I find that means that I must surrender to joy, to love and laughter, to letting it happen ‘the way it wants to.’ I also respect the times when I’m not enjoying — to honor myself and my partner enough to admit it, and to discuss what’s needful. I’ve learned to accept my fears enough to double check to make sure I’m safe and healthy, and I’m being treated with respect and consideration.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., (aka “Dr. Romance”) psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage (Adams Media)
Get to know each other before you do the deed
The best sex advice I ever received: Take time getting to know the other person first before leaping into the sack. The better you know your partner beforehand the more intimate and fabulous the sex. It’s true!
How it changed the way I approach sex: Allowing yourself to take as much time as you need to feel comfortable that you truly know your partner before engaging in sex frees you to relax and be your true self. Some of the pressure and performance anxiety is removed. You worry less about ‘will I be good enough?’ ‘Will he accept and like my body?’ The one thing everyone wants is to be seen, acknowledged, validated, accepted, and loved–flaws and all!
My advice if you’re struggling to improve your sex life: Always approach the bedroom squeaky clean. Shower regularly, lotion up, use fragrance (lightly). This not only makes you appealing to your partner but raises your personal confidence sexually.
I am a proponent of open, honest, direct communication. However, when it comes to sexual performance many people are exquisitely sensitive about being told what and how to do things. Never criticize, blame, or judge. Instead, praise every incremental gesture your makes toward ‘feel-good’ actions. Praise and reward does not always mean a patronizing ‘Good job!’ Use sexy sounds by uttering ‘Ooh…,’ ‘Um…,’ ‘More…,’ and ‘That feels so good!’
- Initiate oral sex. Give this sexual pleasure to your partner with heartfelt generosity as a gift without any expectation. You’ll be surprised at the good stuff that comes back to you tenfold!
- Men need to become more comfortable requesting frequency, speed, and the type of sex they want and need. Statistics show that men cheat more frequently than women. They are too quick to look elsewhere if they’re not getting what they need. Why not ask your lady for what you want and preserve fidelity in your relationship.
- Women need to get more comfortable asking for their sexual needs and wants to be fulfilled. Men are better at this than women. From generation to generation, this has been a cultural issue. Women are better now than they were in the past, but you’d be amazed at how many young women are still uncomfortable asking their guy to do specifics.
Don’t be selfish
My No. 1 sex tip: The best sex is when you’re in it together. When it’s only about you getting off, your partner feels that and will get turned off.
The best sex advice I’ve ever received: Be confident.
How it changed the way I approach sex: It changed everything! No longer did I let my old feelings of insecurity get in the way of enjoying sex with my lover. Sure, it didn’t happen overnight, but before I knew it, I was not only feeling confident in the bedroom but also everywhere else. The one characteristic both partners find irresistible about sex is confidence!
My advice if you’re struggling to improve your sex life: Allow yourself to become vulnerable. Once we let down our walls of self-judgment and judgment of our lover’s needs and desires, we’re open to all different intimacy possibilities. Start slow. Test the waters. Try something new, and then build off of that experience. For each individual, sexuality is a process of self-discovery, and it can be one of the most invigorating journeys of your life.
Sandra LaMorgese, Ph.D., sexual intimacy expert
My No. 1 sex tip: Be open! Honest communication is not only amazingly sexy to your brain, it connects both you and your partner via chemicals called neuropeptide oxytocin. These chemicals are responsible for feelings of bonding and even love. Communication often increases the production of these chemicals in the brain and can heighten pleasure.
The best sex advice I ever received: There is no such thing as perfect sex. When you feel good in mind, body, and soul, the sex will feel better.
How it changed the way I approach sex: Living in a society where everything, including our porn, is airbrushed and fake, and differences such as weight and race are often seen as fetishes, it is hard not to get lost in the fantasy of ‘perfect sex’ with the ‘perfect partner.’ Something as simple as someone pointing out the flaws in this perfect world of sex is incredibly freeing. It allows people to embrace that imperfections are perfect. And feeling less than in your mental, physical, and spiritual health will often manifest in your sex life. Get healthy!
My advice if you’re struggling to improve your sex life: Let go of being perfect! There is no life-changing sex tip other than embrace who you are. Sex is a beautiful and wonderful thing with a partner who shares in your respect and values. Be free to be whom and what you are. As a result, you’ll stop holding back and you and your partner will both reap the benefits.
Daryl Cioffi, M.Ed., CAGS, LMHC, psychotherapist, life coach, professor of neuropsychology, and owner of Polaris Counseling & Consulting