If you’re a red-blooded adult, chances are good that sex is a major part of your life. However, the age-old notion that people are totally consumed by sex is a cultural myth and a fantasy perpetrated by both genders. We spoke with Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, licensed marriage and family therapist, for his expertise on the matter.
According to Dr. Paul, “The only study that explored the frequency of our sexual thoughts with any procedural integrity found that men think about sex on average about once an hour, and women about once every two hours.” This research was based on a group of college students who were studied, so it’s important to note that these men and women were in the prime of their sexual prowess. The frequency of their sexual thoughts was about equal to thoughts of other primal needs, such as the desire for sleep and food.
“Whatever the rate at which we think about sex,” Dr. Paul said, “it’s clear that we think about it a hell of a lot more than we actually engage in it.”
Unless you have somehow mastered the ability to actually have sex as much as you think about it, chances are, you find yourself needing it. But the fact that many of us want our most primal needs to be met on a somewhat consistent basis can also present as issue from time to time. What if you’re not totally on the same page as your partner in terms of how often you’d like to knock boots? This can beg the question, “How do I ask my partner for more time in the bedroom without sounding needy?”
While it sometimes might seem that you’re either not getting enough or it’s always disproportionately on your mind, Dr. Paul reminds us that, “It’s not a bad thing to think about sex. Sex, just like food and sleep, is an evolutionary drive and part of a healthy and rewarding life. If you want more, you’re going to have to be proactive in getting it.”
We were anxious to get some tips on asking for sex without sounding needy or like a nymphomaniac, for that matter. With the help of Dr. Paul along with sex therapist, clinical sexologist, and relationship expert Dr. Yvonka DeRidder, who is a “sexpert” at Jasmin.com and the head of the #WhatsYourFantasy social media campaign, here are six tips from our experts.
1. Take the intellectual approach
Dr. Paul says, “Although it might seem like a cliché, men do make passes at girls who wear glasses. It’s okay to take the intellectual approach. Tell your partner that studies show we are healthier and happier when we connect sexually with other human beings, and that our bodies need the delicious hormones that are released after an orgasm to thrive.”
2. Check your motives
“Pay attention to your emotional state. Make sure your desire for sex is not motivated by some diminished affective state like anxiety, depression or low self-esteem. If you’re using sex to self-medicate these conditions, you could be headed for trouble,” Dr. Paul explains.
3. Pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues
According to Dr. DeRidder:
Know your SO [significant other] and pay attention to what they respond to and what they don’t. We all tend to place our “bids” for intimacy in the way we perceive them ourselves and we neglect to pay attention to what our SO is responsive to and do more of that. Other things to keep in mind though, is what is going on in their life, sometimes there are significant or unusual added stressors that may make them unresponsive to even the things that do work. It is important to pay attention to this so that you don’t take the rejection personal to the degree it spins into an entire other array of problems.
4. Try things that have worked in the past
“Even if it was years ago, there must have been a time where you did something romantic, sweet, cute, or sexy that elicited an intimate response. Yes, people do change, so what your SO enjoys may have changed as well, but if you follow the first step you should be able to account for the changes while still implement the parts that worked before,” says Dr. DeRidder.
5. “Take care” of yourself frequently
“If your sexual needs are met within balance by taking care of yourself then when you make the ‘bid’ or approach your SO, it won’t be from a needy, demanding, or desperate place. One of the largest factors that leads to the rejection or shut down of an intimate bid is when it has a demanding undertone,” explains Dr. DeRidder.
6. Take the “demand” out of it
Dr. DeRidder says:
Just because they are married to you or in a relationship with you, does not mean that they “owe” you sex or intimacy. This is a large misconception in relationships and marriages. Sex is a very intimate experience for both males and females. Therefore, it should always be approached properly and with respect. By making the approach about connection and closeness, you take the “demand” out of it. If you are always just chasing the sex, you will have less of it. Many people perceive their need for sex as just a need for the physical outlet, but they neglect the fact that underneath it all, they are looking for the intimate closeness and connection like everyone else. Sex is just one way of getting there. Make your priority to obtain closeness, bonding, or connecting with your SO, and the sex and passion will flourish out of that organically. If every touch, kiss, or hug is just a “means to an end” to get “laid”, your SO will sense that and instantly shut down.