The 1 Thing This Woman Discovered After Sleeping With Married Men
One woman’s Modern Love piece for The New York Times sparked some serious controversy and got both single and married people alike talking. She shared her experiences from her liaisons with multiple married men as well as the one overall lesson she learned.
Whether you find her actions unjustifiable or her article insightful, Karin Jones’s message and lessons learned are worth reading (to see her ultimate discovery, don’t miss No. 1).
7. Married men were the best solution to her desire for ‘no-strings-attached sex’
Jones found that following her divorce the only thing she wanted was a physical relationship. She updated her Tinder and OkCupid profiles to reflect that and found that it wasn’t just single men who were swiping right.
She found success with taken men as well. “With the married men I guessed that the fact that they had wives, children and mortgages would keep them from going overboard with their affections. And I was right. They didn’t get overly attached, and neither did I. We were safe bets for each other,” she wrote.
Next: Where she met the men she slept with
6. Married men turn to dating apps
Jones received a significant number of messages from married men. It took her delving into their relationships with their wives to recognize why the men opted for dating apps (page 7).
A Vanity Fair writer claimed that nearly 30% of Tinder users are already married, but Tinder’s data showed different numbers. Tinder surveyed over 200,000 users and found that 1.7% were married — but those were only the users who admitted it.
Next: What she discovered about infidelity
5. She recognized why people cheat, but didn’t condone it
Jones spent much of her time with the married men questioning why they were cheating on their wives. “I met one man whose wife had implicitly consented to her husband having a lover because she was no longer interested in sex, at all,” she found. Still, she met men who would rather be having sex with their wives than with her but weren’t sure why it wasn’t a reality.
Relationship expert Wendy Walsh explained how many married people justify this behavior. “I do see why people cheat, rather than leave, especially if they have kids. Divorce is expensive, and it’s been shown that kids of divorce bear the brunt of the negative impact,” she said.
Next: The truth about monogamy
4. Monogamy isn’t dead … but it isn’t thriving
Jones didn’t believe the “answer” to the problem was non-monogamous behavior and recognized how there is no way to have a simple affair. “Lack of sex in marriage is common, and it shouldn’t lead to shame and silence,” she said.
Walsh seemed to find truth in this. “We need to kill this myth that you are going to find one person who is going to be the one, and you are going to live happily ever after until death do you part,” Walsh said. “Because of our long lifespan, more people are living a very healthy last third of their life.”
Next: We can’t keep doing this with cheating
3. Treating cheating as a binary issue won’t solve anything
One message Jones conveyed that Walsh agreed with was that cheating isn’t explicitly “right” or “wrong.” It’s too simplistic to ignore the various changing aspects of a relationship and assume everyone who cheats is a “bad person” and everyone who’s cheated on is an innocent bystander, regardless of gender.
“In a couple of cases, the men I met were married to women who had become disabled and could no longer be sexual, but the husbands remained devoted to them,” Jones wrote.
Next: Sometimes couples opt for the ‘easy way out’
2. It’s complicated to leave a marriage
Anyone who has gone through a divorce or struggled in their marriage can relate: whether or not you easily realize your marriage is ending, the act of getting divorced is difficult.
“Maybe I was being too pragmatic about issues that are loaded with guilt, resentment and fear. After all, it’s far easier to talk theoretically about marriage than to navigate it,” Jones realized, admitting that her divorce wasn’t the result of a known extramarital affair.
Next: The ultimate discovery Jones wrote about
1. Tinder was easier than the truth
Jones came to one final conclusion: What the men she slept with couldn’t do was have a conversation with their wives that would force them to delve into why they were cheating. They tried to convince her what they had convinced themselves; by lying, they were being kind to their wives and sparing their feelings.
“In the end, I had to wonder if what these men couldn’t face was something else altogether: hearing why their wives no longer wanted to have sex with them. It’s much easier, after all, to set up an account on Tinder.”
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