For immediate release
Information received and manipulated since the Federal Open Market Committee met for lavish meals and chit-chat in April suggests that the pace of economic contraction is slowing when we tweak our models to add seasonal jobs that don’t truly exist. Conditions in financial markets have generally improved in recent months because the markets were oversold on a technical basis and needed to breathe before the next leg down. Household spending has shown further signs of stabilizing if you heavily weight consumption of goods at Family Dollar Store. However, spending on all other things remains constrained by ongoing job losses, lower housing wealth (don’t try to understand how this can happen simultaneously with stabilizing household spending), and tight-ass credit. Businesses are giving a boot camp haircut to fixed investment and staffing but appear to be making progress in bringing inventory stocks into better alignment with shitty sales. Although economic activity is likely to remain weak for a long, long, long, long time, the Committee continues to anticipate that policy actions to stabilize financial markets and otherwise incompetent institutions, artificial fiscal and monetary stimulus, and manipulated market forces will contribute to an almost imperceptible resumption of sustainable economic growth in a context of price stability ex-necessities such as food, gas, and everything reliant on gas to get to the retailer.
The prices of energy and other commodities have risen a shit-ton of late. However, we have a dream that our little children will one day live in a nation where substantial resource slack is likely to dampen cost pressures. Thus the Committee that caused this problem by pumping floods of cash into the economy under former Chairman Greenspan now expects that inflation (ex-necessities) will remain subdued for some time.
In these circumstances, the private for-profit entity called the Federal Reserve will employ all available tools (e.g., printing a tsunami of your currency) to promote a psychologically-driven, temporary, and artificial economic recovery and to preserve price stability at the Dollar Tree. The ignoramus Committee will maintain the target range for the federal funds rate at 0 to 1/4 percent so bankers can have free money with which to charge you interest, and continues to anticipate that economic conditions are likely to warrant exceptionally low levels of the federal funds rate for an extended period because there is no real economic activity to generate profits otherwise. As previously announced through perpetual propagandous press releases, Chairman Bernanke’s sweet 60 Minutes infotainment, and scripted Fed executive speeches, to provide support to mortgage lending and housing markets and to improve overall conditions in private credit markets so we don’t have another Depression and civil unrest, the Federal Reserve will use your money to purchase a total of up to $1.25 trillion of near-worthless agency mortgage-backed securities and up to $200 billion of agency debt by the end of the year. In addition, the Federal Reserve will use more of your hard-earned money to buy up to $300 billion of Treasury securities by autumn, or at least before you need to feel good when holiday shopping begins. The Committee will continue to evaluate the timing and overall amounts of its purchases of securities in light of the evolving economic outlook that we are trying hard to manipulate with our fat-fingered visible hand, and conditions in financial markets. The Federal Reserve is monitoring the size and composition of its, um, our (i.e., us and the public at large), I mean … its balance sheet and will make adjustments to its credit and liquidity programs as warranted to keep the Sheeple living in a consumption induced coma while the Chinese continue to become our largest lender and, ulitmately, our owners.
Voting for the FOMC monetary policy action were the incredibly incompetent private executives of the (not) Federal Reserve: Ben S. Bernanke, Chairman; William C. Dudley, Vice Chairman; Elizabeth A. Duke; Charles L. Evans; Donald L. Kohn; Jeffrey M. Lacker; Dennis P. Lockhart; Daniel K. Tarullo; Kevin M. Warsh; and Janet L. Yellen.
In case you are brain-dead, this is a satirical reconstruction of a FOMC Statement. If you have more than one brain cell, put it to use and do not make investment decisions on this parody.