The 5 Best Responses to FSU’s Doomed #AskJameis Campaign

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We’re sure that somewhere, in the history of Twitter, there has been a hashtag question and answer that went as expected, where interesting people were asked interesting questions that were respectful and intelligent. That didn’t happen with FSU’s hashtag adventure, which featured the recent Heisman winner and lightning rod for controversy, quarterback Jameis Winston. If that name sounds familiar, perhaps it’s because he won the biggest trophy in college football, or perhaps you heard about the sexual assault charges. Or, perhaps, you heard about the crab legs. We’ll get to those in a minute.

Insofar as the rape allegations against Winston are concerned, innocent before proved guilty has to apply here, and no judgement on his character is coming from us, but the handling of the investigation on the part of those in a position to do something about it — specifically the Tallahassee Police Department and the university — was decidedly unacceptable. Beyond speculating on what happened, there’s no way the school dismisses their own investigation simply because he refused to cooperate. That doesn’t happen if Winston isn’t their starting quarterback. And that’s pretty awful.

The crab legs, though, were simply hilarious. Intentional or not, Winston absconded from a Publix supermarket with about $30 worth of crab legs (and crawfish). Whether he actually forgot to pay for them, or if his motivation was decidedly more nefarious, the Internet had a field day with it. The Internet never forgets. Here are five of the best #AskJameis tweets.

 

Ice cold. Part of the reason Winston won the Heisman, aside from his play on the field, was FSU’s final tally at the end of the year — they went undefeated. As we’ve already covered, Winston beat a pair of court charges in the same year. While we assume that the answer to the record question is 15-0, the NFL has become notoriously character specific in their demands on players (see: Hernandez, Aaron) and these brushes with the law could wind up hurting his draft stock.    

An important question, as this intrepid internet scout is raising the “Big Issues” before Jameis makes it to football’s biggest stage, with an equally important follow up waiting in the wings — what if the next great NFL defender is moonlighting in a supermarket near you? That’s not that farfetched, actually, since the NCAA doesn’t pay athletes.

 

Jameis Winston was born in 1994, almost five years after The Little Mermaid was released into theaters. Demographically speaking, the odds are definitely in Mr. Krabs’s favor, since Spongebob would’ve hit the airwaves when Winston was six. Pour one out for your old age. Also, peak Spongebob is probably better than The Little Mermaid. How smart does your show have to be to put the dumbest character under a rock, literally? Think about it. Also, no way TLM has any thing on the level of “don’t geniuses live in lamps?” Point Spongebob. Good choice, Jameis.  

Can’t have crab legs without butter. Even the most rudimentary seafood fan knows that. The story, though, is that he forgot to pay, so it would follow that he forgot to get the accoutrements. Maybe he was studying a hypothetical coverage system, since all good prospective NFL players are encouraged to think about football and nothing but football.

Winston doesn’t actually need two tweets to cover this one, since the Marshall Plan was a system designed to aid economic recovery in Europe at the close of World War II, and the Treaty of Versailles was, in effect, the opposite of that  since it required Germany to acknowledge that they’d started World War I and pay what were essentially financial and territorial reparations to the winning countries, plunging the nation into economic despair. For the record, “yes, you could make a strong argument that the M.P. was influenced by Germany’s economic discontent,” clocks in at well under Twitter’s 140 character limit. Come on FSU, field this softball.

The best unasked question? No one asked Jameis Winston why the NCAA won’t accept players being paid to play, but doesn’t see any problem with FSU picking up the $60,000 premium on his loss of value insurance policy, which can cover the income difference between his expected draft value (very high) if a situation, like an injury, causes him to drop in the draft. Seems pretty similar to us.

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