We live in an age when technology is infused in every aspect of our lives. Our phones are powerful computers we keep in our pockets, and we stream movies and shows directly to our smart TVs. Our thermostats learn our preferences and react appropriately and we even converse regularly with AI software with names like Alexa and Siri. We’ve progressed so quickly that we’re now living in a technological future no one could have predicted 50 or 100 years ago, but this isn’t always a good thing, as sometimes, we take it too far. Here are some of the tech products that have no business being technological at all.
It’s about time we reconsider the usage of all of our current silverware and dump it in the garbage. Those ancient tools are laughably 1.0 compared to the HAPIfork, the eating utensil of the future. This thick, colorful piece of tech is leagues ahead of standard forks because it contains a sensor that tracks your bites. Eat too fast, and the HAPIfork will light up like a police siren and vibrate in your hand, alerting you to slow down.
Why slow down? According to the good people at HAPI, eating too fast causes weight gain, digestive problems, gastric reflux, and postoperative complications. We don’t want any of that. Better stock up on HAPIforks!
True to the nature of the information age, the HAPIfork tracks everything it senses and whisks that sweet data to an accompanying app. Just think of the hours you’ll spend pouring over your “fork serving” data (that’s their fancy term for bites). The app tracks your fork servings per minute, the time between your fork servings, and the duration of your meals. The app even has a coaching section to help you learn to eat how the HAPIfork wants you to eat.
Just do yourself a favor and don’t put it in the dishwasher.
2. Sensoria Smart Socks
When was the last time your gym sock judged your jogging technique? Never? Thought so. If you ever wanted advice from your sweaty footwear, you’re in luck, because Sensoria has the data-tracking socks you’re looking for. The socks’ sensors connect to a clunky-looking anklet that sends running information regarding your step count, altitude, and distance straight to the smartphone app. Did I mention they cost $200?
3. Touchscreen faucet
There are a million kinds of faucets out there, and some of the rare ones can be difficult to use. So what we definitely don’t need is a faucet operated by a touchscreen to confuse matters even further. That’s what this unnecessary piece of tech from DORO Design is. The Sunrise Faucet looks like a hammerhead shark, does nothing a tech-free faucet can’t do, and is guaranteed to confound your guests. Best to leave this unnecessary piece of tech behind.
4. Kuvée wine dispensing system
Regular wine bottles — the kind that have been around for hundreds of years — are useless to us now that we’re in the age of technology. Just look at them sitting there — they’re doing nothing, gathering no data, and offering no information. The Kuvée, on the other hand, is smart. It’s a sleek-looking “wine dispensing system” that keeps your open bottle tasting fresh for a month. It also has a wholly unnecessary touchscreen on it that tells you how much wine is left in the bottle and, of course, lets you order more.
The catch is that it’s only compatible with special Kuvée bottles, which means you’ll have to buy into the whole Kuvée product ecosystem to use it. Wouldn’t it be better (and cheaper) just to stick with regular wines you already know and love?
5. Numi Toilet
Toilets are relatively simple appliances. Through the ingenious combination of a tank, bowl, pipe, and a couple of valves, these essential furnishings make modern life possible. Why complicate something that works so perfectly?
With its Numi toilet, Kohler thinks it has improved on the traditional toilet. You’ll feel like royalty on this high-tech throne, as the lid automatically opens at your approach, the toilet seat warms your skin, it plays your favorite music, and it makes you a sandwich (kidding on that last one). The whole thing costs over $6,000, and that’s not counting the touchscreen remote control, which is sold separately.
6. Quirky Egg Minder
If you consider running out of eggs to be a catastrophe of apocalyptic proportions, you’ll want a Quirky Egg Minder yesterday. Place your eggs into this bad boy, download the app, and you can check how many eggs you have in your fridge from anywhere in the world. It also keeps track of how old each egg is, which might come in handy if you don’t eat eggs very often. But if that’s the case, why would you want this at all?
Belty: It’s a belt, but better. That’s the pitch for this so-called “smart belt,” but we’re not so sure it’s a necessary addition to anyone’s wardrobe. What makes it better than the crude strips of leather in your closet is its unique vibration mechanism. This lets Belty “communicate” by giving you a buzzy rhythm that encourages you to increase your walking pace. The vibrations can also challenge you to climb stairs “more dynamically,” bug you to drink more water, nag you about your posture, and encourage you to “explore new habits.”
Two more things: You can “talk” to it by tapping on the buckle, and it has a stat tracking app (because of course it does). Just don’t forget to charge your belt before bed.
8. Hidrate Spark smart water bottle
Like many of the items on this list, the Hidrate Spark smart water bottle is a regular item with a sensor in it that tracks information and sends it to an app on your phone. The information here is how much water you’ve consumed, which is perfect for people who don’t know how to count. It also glows when it thinks you need more water, in case you don’t have enough distractions in your life.
9. Tactical laser-guided pizza cutter
Hate to break it to you, but it turns out normal pizza cutters are for wimps. Even though standard pizza cutters are designed to run in a straight line, this “tactical laser-guided pizza cutter” helps you out by … shining a red line on your pizza? I’m sure it’s a gag gift, but if anyone’s thinking about how to improve pizza cutting technology, this isn’t how to do it.