‘90 Day Fiancé’: Top 10 Funniest Quotes From the TLC Franchise

90 Day Fiancé and its many spinoffs have given birth to some of the most hilarious lines in reality TV history. Here are 10 of the funniest lines ever said on the TLC franchise.

Anfisa Arkhipchenko wears a purple dress and smiles on set of '90 Day Fiancé' on TLC.
Anfisa Arkhipchenko, ’90 Day Fiancé’ | TLC

10. ‘Colt is trash man.’ — Jess Caroline

Brazilian beauty Jess Caroline found out that her ex-boyfriend Colt Johnson was having an entire relationship behind her back on 90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After? Season 5 with his current wife, Vanessa Guerra.

After Colt’s ex-wife, Larissa dos Santos Lima, warned Jess about Colt being a “trash man,” Jess admits that she was right about him. Jess said, “I wish I listen to Larissa when she called me and say, ‘Jess, be careful. Colt is … trash man.’ [sic]” She admits that he is, in fact, a “trash man.”

9. ‘You’re blaming an owl with a candle on the fact that you are an a**hole to my kids?’ — Molly Hopkins

Three days before Molly Hopkins and Luis Mendez were planning on getting married, Molly confronts her fiancé about how he’s been treating her children. However, Luis tried to deflect the conversation by bringing up Molly’s decor in her home.

He said that her owl decor, the status of Buddha, and African-style masks are “Brujeria” or “witchcraft.” She says, “This is nuts.” And tells him the iconic line, “You’re blaming an owl with a candle on the fact that you are an a**hole to my kids.”

8. ‘They’re trying to harvest the American dollar.’ — Karen Everett

Chantel Everett’s mother, Karen Everett, is full of one-liners. One of her most iconic quotes is when she accuses her son-in-law, Pedro Jimeno, and his family of trying to “harvest the American dollar.”

Karen was concerned that Pedro was using Chantel to get a green card and use her for money. Despite her efforts and hiring a private investigator, she found no proof that the Jimeno family has successfully harvested the American dollar.

7. ‘Only sl*t people use the condom, not me. I’m not a sl*t. I’m good person.’ — Asuelu Pulaa

On 90 Day Fiancé Season 6, Kalani Faagata found out that she’s got pregnant again while still breastfeeding her first child.

She blames her husband, Asuelu Pulaa, for not wanting to use protection. He tells the cameras, “Only sl*t people use the condom, not me. I’m not a sl*t. I’m good person.”

6. ‘F***ing crazy old man, alone and depressing from Michigan.’ — Jasmine Pineda

On 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days Season 5, Jasmine Pineda confronts her then-boyfriend, Gino Palazzolo, for sending nudes of her to an ex-girlfriend. She then finds out from the same ex that he was also previously on a “sugar baby” website, where he had been paying women $250 a night for “sleepovers.”

That’s when Jasmine confronts him and freaks out. Jasmine told him that she was not interested in being with a man who had to pay for sex. She calls Gino a “f***ing crazy old man, alone and depressing from Michigan.”

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5. ‘Things are about to get a lot more stupider.’ — Karen Everett

When Pedro’s sister, Nicole Jimeno, comes to visit, she sleeps in Chantel and Pedro’s living room. Chantel claims that Nicole clapped and said, “Thank God,” when she left the house.

Chantel went to her parent’s house to tell her what was going on. Karen is upset that Pedro is putting Nicole over Chantel. She wants to go confront Pedro and Nicole and begins taking out her earrings. She says the iconic line, “Things are about to get a lot more stupider.”

4. ‘Almost there lazy.’ — Azan Tefo

On 90 Day Fiancé Season 4, Azan Tefo brings Nicole Nafziger to the desert in Morocco for a romantic trip. The morning after he proposes, they plan to ride camels. However, the hike up the dunes to the camels becomes too much for Nicole.

Nicole is frustrated that Azan is pushing her so much physically. He says, “Stop being lazy and go to do some workouts, honey.” And he encourages her up the dunes by saying, “Almost there lazy.”

3. ‘Who is against the Queen must die!’ — Larissa dos Santos Lima

During 90 Day Fiancé Season 6, Colt’s cousins come to visit, where they end up confronting Larissa. They say that she’s been using him for money. They end up in a big screaming match where Larissa uninvited them to the wedding.

Larissa says, “And everyone that’s against me, not my wedding, okay? [sic].” She storms upstairs and yells, “Who is against the Queen will die!”

2. ‘F***ing a** b**** a** sl*t a** wh*re!’ — Chantel Everett

During the trip to the Dominican Republic to visit Pedro’s family, Chantel and her sister-in-law, Nicole, get into a fight after a translation error. While confronting Pedro’s family about the money he’s been sending, Nicole tells him if she doesn’t want to be in a marriage with Pedro, she should “divorce him, period.”

Nicole said “period” in Spanish, which is “punto,” but Chantel misheard it as “punta,” which is a major insult in Spanish. Chantel asks her, “Did you just call me a f***ing b****?”

Nicole says, “Yes.” That’s when Nicole says, “You are a f***ing wh*re. And you will not disrespect me like this today. Good night.” She then says the iconic string of expletives as she walks away, “f***ing a** b**** a** sl*t a** wh*re.”

1. ‘Bring me my red bag with my makeup!’ — Anfisa Arkhipchenko

Our top funniest 90 Day Fiancé quote is from Anfisa Arkhipchenko from 90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After? Season 4. She and her then-husband, Jorge Nava, were headed to her green card interview but started arguing. Jorge leaves the car, and Anfisa asks him, “Where are you going?” He replied, “I’m going to get my wallet.” Check out the clip below:

She flipped out and yelled, “Get me my red bag with my makeup!” Jorge asks for the key, and she proceeds to throw it on the ground outside of the car.

Some honorable mentions for this list include Darcey Silva telling Jesse Meester to cut the steak on a bias and Azan telling Nicole he’s only attracted her about “55%.”

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