MacGillivray blogged about saying goodbye to not only her father. But also death and her own legacy. She wrote, “I come across as a cold woman sometimes. Someone that doesn’t need anyone. And sometimes I don’t. I love my space. I love my solitude.” Adding, “I love what I’m able to create when I’m on my own. But I’d love to do all of that, with someone by my side. Someone who wants me to grow. And someone I value in all of those same ways.”
Viewers are watching her rollercoaster romance unfold with chef Adam Glick. Glick seems smitten with MacGillivray but at times extremely cold and standoffish. MacGillivray wrestled with Glick’s reactions. She told Showbiz Cheat Sheet the two continue to have a complicated relationship. “The most honest way to describe our relationship is super complicated,” she said. “There will always be tons of feelings and emotions between Adam and I because of everything we’ve been through and continue to go through.”
She shares the pain of losing her father
MacGillivray’s blog tracked her parent’s divorce and how the split was an ending. And while being shuffled between her parent’s homes was a challenge, watching her father die was gutting.
“When he was in a hospice waiting to die, it all happened so quickly that he was still attempting to tie up loose ends, such as his financial affairs,” she recalls.” And then, this look kinda washed over his face when I told him ‘dad, don’t worry about these things, we’ll take care of all of this you no longer have to worry’, it was a look of relief, and then of sadness. Like, oh ya, I no longer have to burden myself with my bill payments but also, oh ya, I don’t have anything to think about anymore other than dying.”
She continues, “All the things you worried or considered day to day, literally do not mean anything to you in any way at all when you’re dying. The things we felt collectively pieced together to make our existence all make sense and function as we humans do, by organizing our day, working, paying bills, cleaning our houses, it all just seems almost like it didn’t even matter.”
His death reminds her of her own legacy
MacGillivray gave her father a book called, “All about Dad.” It allowed him to write about his memories. And there was also a section for him to share his legacy. This entry made her confront some hard realities.
“When I was asked the same question I burst into tears,” she wrote. “Reminded of the feelings I had the first time I read what my dad had written, and a feeling I got for a brief moment that I may well die alone. Relationships have proven difficult for me for years.”
She shared in an episode that she was told she could never have children. She blogged about how it might be impossible to find someone she shared a connection with or loved. “And if I die alone, that all just sounds so awful. I will not have raised a child with the values and love that I know I would give that child,” she wrote.
The pandemic has also made MacGillivray reflect on life too. “I want to appreciate everything I have, and let nothing stop me from moving forward. Because, as we have now all felt, we have limitations on these things. And we are saying goodbye to some things that were comfortable to us,” she concluded.
Below Deck Sailing Yacht airs Monday night at 9/8c on Bravo.