Chrissy Teigen Shares How She’s Found Joy After Her Miscarriage

Chrissy Teigen has been open about the emotional heartbreak of her miscarriage. She first posted a raw, revealing announcement in a Sept. 30 Instagram post. On Oct. 27, Teigen wrote a lengthier Medium post about her experience. One month later, Teigen writes that she is finding joy in the aftermath of the tragedy.

Chrissy Teigen reads all of your well wishes

Teigen began her post writing that she expected to write sooner, and was cobbling together random notes she wrote on her phone in the past month. She added that she reads every note that people send her. 

Chrissy Teigen | Charley Gallay/Getty Images for Quay Australia

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“But I will tell you, some of the best letters started with, ‘You don’t have to respond to this, but…’” Teigen wrote. “After we first lost Jack, I found myself incredibly worried that I wasn’t able to thank everyone for their extreme kindness. Many shared incredible personal experiences, some shared books and poems. I wanted to thank everyone, share our story with each individual person. But I knew I was in no state to. For me, the ‘no need to respond’ note was such a true relief. I thank you for each and every one of those.”

The outpouring of love has filled the hole in Chrissy Teigen’s heart

Teigen acknowledged that losing Jack, the name she and John Legend had chosen, took a lot away from her. However, she is quickly replacing it with love and support. 

“People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart,” Teigen wrote. “A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full. Maybe *too* bursting full, actually. I find myself randomly crying, thinking about how happy I am to have two insanely wonderful little toddlers who fill this house with love. I smother them with love while they ‘Moooooooom!!!!!’ me. I don’t care.

She feels guilty for being happy after such a loss

While the outpouring of love shows Teigen that she doesn’t have to be sad all the time, part of her still feels like she should be.

“I also cry when I get mad at myself for being too happy,” Teigen wrote. “Sometimes I read things that make me gut laugh, or see an instagram post worthy of a like (yes, I’m gone but I’ve still been creeping!). And, I always forget I’m not pregnant anymore. I hold my belly when I walk around. I have a moment of freak out when the kids jump on my non-existent bump. The clarity after these moments always make me sad.”

Chrissy Teigen Between Two Ferns
Chrissy Teigen | Rachel Murray/Getty Images for Netflix

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Teigen accepts some responsibility for the public nature of her miscarriage. 

“I feel bad our grief was so public because I made the joy so public,” Teigen wrote. “I was excited to share our news with the world. Stories leading up to this had been chronicled for all. It’s hard to look at them now. I was so positive it would be okay. I feel bad that I made you all feel bad.”

Your kindness has helped Chrissy Teigen

Teigen has received support from all over. In addition to the notes people have sent her, some people show her kindness in person, too.

“But the moments of kindness have been nothing short of beautiful,” Teigen wrote. “I went to a store where the checkout lady quietly added flowers to my cart. Sometimes people will approach me with a note. The worst part is knowing there are so many women that won’t get these quiet moments of joy from strangers. I beg you to please share your stories and to please be kind to those pouring their hearts out. Be kind in general, as some won’t pour them out at all.”

Keep the kindness coming

Teigen concluded that she hopes people will feel encouraged to keep sharing with her.

“I worry that people feel uncomfortable sharing their joy with me,” Teigen wrote. “I’m currently surrounded by the pregnant bellies of many close friends, and I can swear to you, nothing makes me more happy. I know your joy and I love you.”

Chrissy Teigen NBC
Chrissy Teigen | Amanda Edwards/WireImage

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Articulating these thoughts in writing is also part of helping Teigen move forward.

I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so. Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky.